On Friday 29th April I attended the hospital for a routine exam.
Nearly 3 weeks later on 18th May I attended the hospital for the result and my whole world stood still.
On 26th May I am due to go for a pre-op assessment and, if all is ok with that, then on Friday 3rd June I am due to go for a total hysterectomy due to the dreaded C cells being found in the lining of my womb.
You see even now I can't say that word!
Even though, in my youth, I used to work in the very same hospital I have over the years gradually got a fear of them. I think in your youth you are oblivious to the whole thing about mortality. It would never happen to you!
As life passes and so do people the fear begins to build and in my case the waiting leaves me completely sick to my stomach.
I feel robbed of my future and am being forced to live totally from day to day. While everyone else still casually mentions what they will do or want to do in the future I feel scared to think of the future.
It is totally irrational as there are those so much worse off than me, but the fear persists. Last thing at night the doubts creep into your mind. Waking at odd hours it is on my mind and first thing in the morning again the worries and doubts are there.
My dog is picking up on my fear and behaving totally irrational and I feel a wimp feeling and behaving the way I am.
If I could close my eyes and sleep until waking from the operation then I would be happy. But I have to get up and work each day. I have to try and think what to cook for dinner when my appetite is now non-existent and I have to try to control the fear.
But this time, this is out of my control, I am at the mercy of my own body and the National Health Service.
Sorry for being so gloomy but I hoped that by writing this post that the fear would leave my head and stay with the written word!