Tuesday 31 May 2016

Three Days to Go

Well the days have dragged by and the hospital visits have increased.

I had my pre-op assessment and gave more blood.  Tomorrow I have to be be up early to get to the hospital for 8:15 for an MRI scan.

Then on Friday the 3rd I return to the hospital for my operation.

I admit to being scared.  Not of the operation in itself as I will be knocked out for that, but of the results and the post op recovery.

I had a caesarian way back in 1978 and all I remember is how painful the first day of recovery was.  Hopefully things have moved forwards now and they can actually give something to relieve the pain.

Also, if I am honest, it is the "what-ifs" that scare the life out of me.

I just wish I could turn back the clock and rewrite this part of my life.  But I can't.

Life can be so darn scary at times!

Tuesday 24 May 2016


On Friday 29th April I attended the hospital for a routine exam.

Nearly 3 weeks later on 18th May I attended the hospital for the result and my whole world stood still.

On 26th May I am due to go for a pre-op assessment and, if all is ok with that, then on Friday 3rd June I am due to go for a total hysterectomy due to the dreaded C cells being found in the lining of my womb.

You see even now I can't say that word!

Even though, in my youth, I used to work in the very same hospital I have over the years gradually got a fear of them.  I think in your youth you are oblivious to the whole thing about mortality.  It would never happen to you!

As life passes and so do people the fear begins to build and in my case the waiting leaves me completely sick to my stomach.

I feel robbed of my future and am being forced to live totally from day to day.  While everyone else still casually mentions what they will do or want to do in the future I feel scared to think of the future.

It is totally irrational as there are those so much worse off than me, but the fear persists.  Last thing at night the doubts creep into your mind.  Waking at odd hours it is on my mind and first thing in the morning again the worries and doubts are there.

My dog is picking up on my fear and behaving totally irrational and I feel a wimp feeling and behaving the way I am.

If I could close my eyes and sleep until waking from the operation then I would be happy.  But I have to get up and work each day.  I have to try and think what to cook for dinner when my appetite is now non-existent and I have to try to control the fear.

But this time, this is out of my control, I am at the mercy of my own body and the National Health Service.

Sorry for being so gloomy but I hoped that by writing this post that the fear would leave my head and stay with the written word!

Wednesday 27 April 2016


I wish I really knew what would make us happy.  I would like to stop searching and to enjoy the moment.

How do you find your happy?

I thought everything was great.  We had made the move back, survived the property rental time and found a new house to buy.  The stress of the house sale and purchase has now passed and the realisation that I would have to work for another 8 years to pay for a mortgage at a time of life when I expected to be retired I have accepted.

Why then do I feel confused.

The long list of 'to do' items have been ticked off and we are now officially part of the UK system again.  But...

Ten months on the irritations and annoyances that made our dream life in the sun more of a nightmare have begun to fade.  The initial excitement at being back in the UK among family and friends has proved that they still have their lives to lead as do I and that although the distance is not so far the time we all have for spending together has not increased.  Apart from one family group I see no more of my family than I did when in Alcudia and in fairness their lives moved on in the time we were away.  We cannot turn back the clock.

Our lovely new home is undergoing structural work to create my office where I continue to work full time but the safe village where we moved to would seem to have its fair amount of cracks in the passing crime rate.  Still safer than where we lived before in the UK, but it is not as safe as life in Mallorca.

Life is not the idyll I expected it to be.

In the past few days my Mother, who was one of the reasons I returned, actually said that she got told more by the family about their lives when I was living away and she wished I was still living in Mallorca.


So all the stress, upheaval and financial cost was for nothing.  Maybe I should never have come back!

Oh well, perhaps today is just a bad today and I should leave my posting until tomorrow.

Life no doubt will show me the way - as it always does - and perhaps the sun will shine tomorrow.

Monday 25 April 2016

Nearly the end of April - update

In the chaotic days of settling in and rearranging our entire life I had forgotten to pop into my blog and update my progress.

Today I realised that the last post was in November 2015!  Where has the time gone?  How do I summarise the passing of 5 months?

I will now endeavour to condense those months into a short post which I will publish next.